How to Cope – A Loved One Goes Home

There are so many ways to cope with tragedy. But how do you cope after a loved one goes Home?

Everyone is vastly different so there’s no one way to cope and manage the pain.

I won’t pretend to know everything about coping. I can only tell you how I handled the process of coping after my son’s death which I talk about in the post Lost a Child – Where Did He Go?.

Here’s what worked for me and I pray this can work for you as well, even if in some little way.

Our son was taken from us all too soon. Before birth.

He died 7 weeks before he and his healthy twin sister made an appearance. We had 7 weeks to prepare to meet our deceased baby boy and for his surviving sister to grow before her early birthday in January. Yes! He remained in utero for 7 weeks, waiting for God’s perfect time and allowing time for his twin sister to become strong enough to live outside the womb!

The day in and of itself had definite blessings, bringing a new baby girl into our lives, but it came with trials, saying goodbye to our only son. The first few days in the hospital and at home are filled with emotions anyway, and then try to cope with the death of a baby all over again. We couldn’t bring him home. Although we had twins and we were able to bring our daughter home after spending some time in NICU, our arms were still empty.

Words needed to be said! I hadn’t been able to talk to my baby boy! I had to say hello and goodbye in one day. I wasn’t ready to let him go! I had so much to say to him!

Our daughter was home from NICU for a couple of months and after we had gotten our son’s urn from the funeral home, I made a decision that I had to talk to my son. I felt the need to talk to him. There were so many things unsaid! So I decided I would get up early every morning and write in a journal; messages to my son.

I had it set in my mind that I could get up by 5:30am to take time to talk to my son before the rest of my children needed to get up and get ready for school. As I pondered the thought, I realized what I was doing. I’d essentially be talking to absolutely no one, writing to a boy who would never be able to read my words. Now, this might be healthy in some regard, getting thoughts out on paper, but ultimately worthless as far as communicating goes.

Then I realized who I really needed to be talking to. Someone I could talk to and still feel close to my baby boy. It was God! If I could get up early enough to “talk” to my son via paper, I could get up early to talk to my God through reading His Word and through prayer!

My God, the author and protector of my faith.

My God, who has seen me through this tragedy!

So, I woke up every morning at 5am, spent time in gut wrenching prayer. I read the Bible. I was still. I listened to what God had to say to me. THEN I took time to write in my journal to talk to my son.

Every morning.

God first.

Then my son.

Prayer, devotion, quiet time, write.

This became a nonnegotiable event! Seven days a week. Weekends and Holidays.

I questioned it for a while. “Was this really helping? Is it making it worse, like opening an old wound?”

I felt guilty if I missed a day, if I overslept or one of my other children had a rough night or early morning which would throw my morning schedule off course. How could I forgive myself for not talking to my son for a day? I would feel like a bad mom if I couldn’t make time for him.

Now I know it was all part of the grieving process. I know I had to go through all those emotions and I’m ever so glad I had the ability to write my thoughts down.

Having those journals now, helps me see and remember and it’s a tangible concept that my son existed! He was real.

But spending that quiet time with God each morning was an amazing blessing to my soul. I felt closer to my son knowing I was talking to the God who was holding him. If I couldn’t hold him here on this earth, there is no one better to be taking care of him, but our Father in Heaven! It brings me such peace to know my son is there with Him.

So, my dear friends with loved ones gone Home too soon, pray. Spend time with our God. Pray to him in gut wrenching prayer. Sob. Groan. Shed those tears. God hears your prayer through it all. And He knows your heart. Read the Bible so you can listen to His comforting voice.

Find a fun gel pen set and a journal and record your thoughts, your pains, struggles, and try to find some blessings in it all. Write your prayers.

Watch God work in you. He alone can provide the comfort and strength you need to see you through your pain.

Then be still.

Be thankful.

Be comforted.

Matthew 5:4 “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”

Isaiah 49:13 “Shout for joy, you heavens; rejoice, you earth; burst into song, you mountains! For the LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.”

Psalm 119:50 “My comfort in my suffering is this: your promise perserves my life.”